May 31, 2016

the things that stop you dreaming..

Don't wanna write. Don't fancy running over hot coals to try and find some TV distraction.  It's a shame we dont use that room more. Found the canvas picture that just needs its frame screwed together and we could pin it and get it hung. We are not going to be decorating the big room but hanging a picture of a line of zebras with multi coloured butts would definitely cheer the room up.

I hate this. I know you we hate it but we wanted to tell you anyway. When the diazepam left our system the "this is your life forever" feelings just start clicking back into place. Its hardly a wonder drug, it didnt stop us weeping or wanting to weep before it knocked us out last night but today when we were walking Pabs home from school instead of everything he says triggering us to unmanageable levels we could just chat.

It would be so nice to have that dose once a week or even every month. To know that at least every now and again we would have enough anti anxiety there so we could consider taking Pabs out.We dont want to pick them up half  the time, we have done to bitter and possibly self destructive we don't want the "help" if it means we have to put up with people pretending they think we are Louise. No more different heights for NHS to worry about. They can change any discrepancies in that area from the mid nineties (when this flesh was 10) to my current height permanently now. The chances of any serious and open conversations about pain and pain killers, anxiety and anti anxieties in ten minutes with people involved in that after whatever waiting time is completely hopeless.

We're not up for a full on "oh yeah" certainly not in a typed and published form we are gonna wait and see what happens in here next.

In the sun today lots, while Pabs was on this school trip to a butterfly and insect place. It's so good to hear him say he enjoyed school, with everyday was like that for him. With the better attendance he is making friends. Great of course, not so great is the mum can I have a birthday party and invite lots of kids that dont come round to the house and he doesn't go out to play with as it is.

So many levels of can't deal with that. The day itself is near the end of the summer holidays so he's asking for commitments from us for a day that we are dreading especially now without  Margo at the end of a school summer holidays that we are also dreading because we cant take him anywhere.

We will of been weeks out of here by then.

Back where we belong. In a military secured compound in a desert somewhere.