May 12, 2016

Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there.

A garden shot. There may be more when there are more flowers.. anything grown from seed is a very long way from flowering..

 

We have a hose and are less mentaly and emotionaly scuppered so dont worry about them not being watered and all dying if we get a few days of sunshine in a row.. Thats Princess puss photo bombing underneath..

It was beautiful again today and we lay out the back on an old stained duvet with a cover on top and doodled and coloured in the morning. Our cheap reclining lounger split and is now utterly useless which is a shame. Got too sore and weepy after the school run to hang outside. Pabs has been working on his own board/card game and its really imaginative about characters on a boat trying to reach a boss battle but ridiculously complicated as its Pokemon and all them inspired.. He was quite happy to play it mostly by himself while We made the tea and that was a relief as we were really worried he was going to expect us to keep up with complicated rules he hadnt told us about.

Bloody Sky bill came off, putting us over our arranged overdraft when no more goes in until Tuesday and we already got money from Niall this week. Really should change the date is comes of because its coming of on the week of the month when we are usually already struggling. We are obviously going to have to phone him again unless something preferable happens. We could make it through probs food wise but no way baccy wise. We took out a 10 yesterday in the hope the charity shop would have some kind of hair tie so glad or we would of had to phone him today if we didnt want to add nicotine and cups of tea withdrawal to weed withdrawal. Not quite there yet with the green, one or two spliffs left from the 7 grams we bought on Monday.. We are terrified to face all everything without it but are in no position to start trying to impose some kind of discipline with it either.

Thinking today about mother's staff. The ones that taught us so much about DID self control. There heads would flick or move more subtly before she entered a room and after she had left like you see us do like when we need to toughen up or down. They would tell us to stay away from them at certain times and taught us how appear present when your not and appear absent when you were right there and a lot more. I'm not sure what happened to them all but they dont seem to have been around when we were older.

 She was coming to see us wherever we were being held then of course though and when we were took in we certainly werent running about the place having conversations we were watched and controlled too closely. We did our best to make sure we weren't physically there whenever she came to places to see us whenever poss. Including setting up Louise to go to Jacqui's appointment when we knew she was going to turn up, think Jacqui may of told us herself she was going to be there during her programming attempts. Louise got out of there before anything happened thankfully they were so startled when they opened there stupid eyes and saw it wasn't us that she could make a run for it.

Thinking about that British guy talking to us when went back to Fintry after the the debrief and piss up in the states. All shocked we knew anything about anything wondering who mother worked closest with, how things were all going to run on without her basically. We said we could only remember one person for sure he walked straight into it that of course.. He wanted to know more when we answered and was sounding increasingly stressed but we were reluctant to share, talk to and work with people who had spent our whole life refusing to even tell us our own fucking name.

So he said our name.

Basically taking a sledgehammer to our survival in Britain systems. We were fucking furious and attempted to explain why. We were back in the UK where we have always been either a slave or running and where our best hopes for a future was disability benefits and maybe one day we would be lucky enough and will have murdered enough people that we might get a weed guy who didnt sell our infant children for sex and now he was telling us we were Rose Nelson and triggering all these other lives and being loved and a whole bunch of other stuff not compatible with pretending to be a Johnston.

We used the fury to stop us from falling to complete pieces for a few days. Its was as catastrophic and as horrible as we thought it was going to be. Like being a snail who someone has pulled the shell off. We just started crying "Dad" and couldn't stop. We woke in our daughters arms and saw Dad soon after. We weren't making much sense parts switching too quickly.

I hate it here. The pansies help. Still cant really cope with being on our own, pretending we can parent without support though. Who the fuck could?