May 21, 2016

It was Rebecca.

"Dont say my name. Give it a year."

So hard.

How do you not say the name of a dead family member and loved one lying on the street?

Like a lot of really difficult things. If you had to do it as a kid there is more chance you can pull it off as a big girl. Devastation either way anyway.

Temporary glued in hair rips out a lot easier than stuff that grew there. We really hoped one of Louise's slipped in there just to fuck with someone but we weren't sure if that was just that desire to destroy everything and everyone talking. Nothing I could do about then anyway.

People would know and say were mostly the same people who dont want going near anywhere near anyone we even vaguely liked living or dead nevermind Rebecca.

People who weren't scum wouldn't be there if they weren't extremely good at reading people and situations and us in situations of extreme stress.

I think we called it Louise's Bunker originally but that was changed to Rebecca's and that terrified us. It was a great place. On a landed estate so the land was managed and beautiful but also not nearly as remote, difficult to get to or as reinforced as mine. It was obviously somewhere to keep unregistered kids that are being used heavily trafficked. We learned to never sleep there.

The three of us were there just back in the country from the instinute via fuck knows (well documented). Louise was sleeping on a bunk opposite, we were talking in ths shadows a bunk opposite about wanting to be girls and fighters at the same time. We always felt posing masuculine and feminime as natural complementary opposites was toxic, a dividing line that seperated peoples and made them toys to whatever fascism came along. We spent many hours in a cage listening to mother discuss ways to enforce and manipulate people through gender prejudices and saw how easy it was for her to alienate and brutalise individuals while keep communities full off hate turned in on themselves. All prejudices were used off course but gender was her forte, gender was the easiest and made her smile that way the most and thats how we knew it was the worst. Gender was our worst enemy.

We told Rebecca what we could about we knew and what we believed. The activities carried out in the institute exposed us to a lot of different believes and pratices and to a child mind that is either in cage or overworked and needs to escape through the mind and imagination the pickings were rich. We told her how we didnt like people saying male and female were like yin and yang. We said we felt there was a kind of yin yang within being a girl though that we had made and partly found through hushed conversations and gesticulations in the corners of the labs or  equivalents with female ninjas and other cultures within cultures where all the real treasures are found.

The girlyness, the vulnerability, the sensuality is a right a divine duty even but it comes with a equally divine duty to be able to protect that vulnerability yourself from and others as much you can from the sexual violence and exploitation that will enslave all our children of all genitalia from worldwide misogynist cultures and practices.

We were girls that had no option. We would physically want to withdraw from girls who were "feminine" but couldn't defend themselves with deadly force and in a fuck up way we are lucky because when we are out and when are fighting get out we experience self knowledge and "freedom" in ways people who are happy to stay plunked on either side of a dividing line.

 It was roomier and more comfortable though so when there was heaps of good soldiers there with the three of us it fantastic. Trips to get supplies was hour drive in car to a town instead of expeditions that had to be well planned or friendly raids on nearby farmers and all the complications that could entail and "nearby" meant you could walk there and back in a day, maybe two..

One year we the three of us and some soldiers took the good year from the one on the estate up to mine. One of the soldiers was so fucking reluctant, another quietly so. We thought the vocal one wouldn't be impressed but he loved it, especially the setting and later when we showed him .. the communications hub.. We saw the quiet one smiling at the door security and he smiled even wider when we showed him the rest. We had had our doubts about them but both Louise and Rebecca had been so right and had to tell them how right they were about lads being proper soldiers.

Jacqui would ask us the names of the soldiers if we told stories like that. We would laugh and definitely said at least and probably more than worse,

"Jacqui you keep shutting us down and then asking questions we can only answer when all opened up." and sometimes "your obviously an abuser I'm hardly going to tell you name of my soldiers now am I?" And words to that affect in assorted accents, languages and registers..

OMG. the comedy names that we had worked with the lads to put in us as answers for when evil motherfuckers had us subconscious and terrified and were trying to extract their specifics was highly amusing and quiet rude in most cases or though some were more cerebral and the "joke" took a little longer to settle. We laughed pretty loud in that session but when walked away to the bus stop afterwards enough of us had got it that we couldn't not know any more and walls were crumbling all over the place.

He knew about Rebecca.

Rebecca as in Rebecca The Soldier.

We got better doors put in the unsafe and she had time to herself she had never had before and we almost regretted getting them put because of the hell bent sees everything look she started getting.

You cant keep yourself human "see everything". Its to much but when you know enough to know how important everything is its so hard to let yourself not see. She made decisions. She had ways of not looking back afterwards that we will always be deeply envious of.

Early to mid nineties when they gave her total facial reconstruction to resemble Louise.

If you loved someone would you be forcing them to survive that?

When we said it might be possible to get surgery back again we could see in her eyes she didnt want it. She was on rails.

Anything been done about "The Dream Team and all that" yet?

Rebecca. Rebecca.

Both horribly dissociating and grounding to say her name.