May 22, 2016

Bring me the girls

Everyone would shrink even further into the shadows of their cages. It didn't usually include us we were too disruptive but she would go through phases of trying to get us to submit and join in "like any other girl" and then when that still wasnt working out "like any other boy". We played a long for a bit hoping to get to understand our brothers and what was happening to them. We saw. And we were prepared for their faces when we started disrupting. Well most of them anyway. Little James looked so happy we were totally distracted for a moment.

When we heard the girls going or being taken to her we would sometime snob quietly in our cage not just for the girls but because we knew she was programming, training and conditioning them to torture us and lie about it. Sometimes we would scream and start battering the bars or the wires of the cages in the hope the distraction the girls would run or fight but they didnt so we stopped that. Sam did seem to begin with like she had spirit but Mother said us encouraging her to run and fight was why she had to make sure it stopped happening. Some of the adults said she was already and any time she looked like she was okay was a trap.

They were Mother's pets, they couldnt think or feel, they were trained to respond to Mother's desires and needs and were carefully watched for any signs of anything different when they were very little but it wasnt as necessary when they were older. Their rooms in Scotland felt amazing sometimes, like not being watched. We would sneak in them just for a few minutes sometimes just to see how it felt, petrifying and liberating at the same time. We shuddered to think and wept and vomited at the knowledge of what they were doing in attempts to simulate that feeling.

They spent their entire adult lives as mother's eyes and ears, mother's hands and mouth pieces. Their capacity for carrying out torture was limitless when they were kids and doesnt get better when hormones kick in.. Any non required responses and feelings were methodically washed away and we watched some of it through bars, little girls and boys followed her instructions with increasing diligence absolutely regardless. We saw in horror that when they were told to think, feel or believe something they werent faking it, they really did it. Stuff she could never check, could easily be pretended, stuff she told them to tell them selves when we she wasnt watching. They were doing it all conscientiously with great focus. We heard their plans against Louise and Rebecca and others ans saw what they were doing and did to them and knew we had to not believe them whenever they said they wanted to help us and anyone else.

There was no more diligent and adoring a pupil than Morag who always went above and beyond to try and impress Mother and as much as she wanted to encourage that attitude in the rest of the kids we saw signs she hated Morag for it particularly when there was less other kids around. The more she abused her the more Morag wanted her acceptance and worked all the harder and tried to cling all the tighter to her and the more that disgusted and triggered Mother in turn.

Of the three of them it was Ann we learned not to look to closely at. That darkness behind the eyes that suggests there was still I.Q in there and those that have lost their heart but not their smart are the most dangerous. She believed and maybe was that Mother was her maternal match and in privilege as a birth right. When Frances cried you could sense a real child in there, that sometimes she was in there darting around inside trying to find a way out, that there was real heart break and hope sometimes before it turned back into vicious cycles of destruction but not with the other two. They cried out of hate and frustration and when they saw mother particularly angry but never empathy or mourning or real pain. Sometimes you could see tears fall from their eyes while their expression and bodies were motionless. We thought they looked like crying sculptures. It was chilling.

"Punch me if you ever see me look like that." We said to one of our soldiers after looking over them in the back of the landrover in that state. He looked back and after shaking of the creepiness agreed that he would. Christ we wept so hard when he saw us standing in the mud in a compound with troops filling all around looking that same way and he did as he promised. We wept for hours with every cell in us and didnt care who saw until we were to exhausted for anything except to close my eyes to the worried smiles and plunge into some very over due, very deep sleep.