May 04, 2016

some one else's silver lining

Peter's book is downstairs. And the metal thing that we got because its got flowers on it and it would be good to get rid of the cabinet of Lauras thats falling apart but also because of the triggers. They are both still in there boxes. Thats cool. Dismantling the cabinet would be a bit of a job but dont think putting the metal thing together would be to bad. Not gonna be started unless it feels right though.  The cabinet has one drawer left in that has never been properly cleaned out and we know it would help us when its done. That mixture of both and all our detritus is hard to sort through and dispose of but we have gotten better at it, hardened to it.

Fuck yeah its good to start remembering them properly again. Angels. Absolute fabulousness born out of pure horror. Long, hard fights and some cases that kid cant possibly by mine its almost a singleton. If you ever don't know your name, its Rose. After your mum. Who loves you and wishes you had always been and could always be safe with her. And yes some of us are terrified of you. As we know you will be of us. Thats what they do. You can probably take a guess a what they wanted you to become if you are not already acutely aware and its not hard to see that none of you are that. Or any where near it. God the anger though. It becomes that obliterating white heat sometimes and its so hard to handle especially when young. We must be getting access to older parts if we can admit how fucking terrified we are for you all. I dont think that would be possible if wasnt for all the time with your grans, soldiering. 

The pregnancies would be very close together sometimes. They would induce us early and have lots skilled people and equipment around to make sure they made it. But away from people who didnt know what was going on because of they way they treated me and the state I was in, a mad petrified child, still.

Worth the bling to some people, to be involved in that. We thought that was crap at least on some level. Especially once they were already rich. It was about hate and power.

We have no idea where any of you are. Or what is going to happen next. Think we had to trust your grandad  and others and definitely ourself to make sure we would do our absolute best for ourself when we were able to do so. I just hope your living and not just surviving, surrounded by humans who sell other humans for there parts.

I love you Rose.