some one else's silver lining

-
Peter's book is downstairs. And the metal thing that we got because its got flowers on it and it would be good to get rid of the cabinet of Lauras thats falling apart but also because of the triggers. They are both still in there boxes. Thats cool. Dismantling the cabinet would be a bit of a job but dont think putting the metal thing together would be to bad. Not gonna be started unless it feels right though.  The cabinet has one drawer left in that has never been properly cleaned out and we know it would help us when its done. That mixture of both and all our detritus is hard to sort through and dispose of but we have gotten better at it, hardened to it.

Fuck yeah its good to start remembering them properly again. Angels. Absolute fabulousness born out of pure horror. Long, hard fights and some cases that kid cant possibly by mine its almost a singleton. If you ever don't know your name, its Rose. After your mum. Who loves you and wishes you had always been and could always be safe with her. And yes some of us are terrified of you. As we know you will be of us. Thats what they do. You can probably take a guess a what they wanted you to become if you are not already acutely aware and its not hard to see that none of you are that. Or any where near it. God the anger though. It becomes that obliterating white heat sometimes and its so hard to handle especially when young. We must be getting access to older parts if we can admit how fucking terrified we are for you all. I dont think that would be possible if wasnt for all the time with your grans, soldiering. 

The pregnancies would be very close together sometimes. They would induce us early and have lots skilled people and equipment around to make sure they made it. But away from people who didnt know what was going on because of they way they treated me and the state I was in, a mad petrified child, still.

Worth the bling to some people, to be involved in that. We thought that was crap at least on some level. Especially once they were already rich. It was about hate and power.

We have no idea where any of you are. Or what is going to happen next. Think we had to trust your grandad  and others and definitely ourself to make sure we would do our absolute best for ourself when we were able to do so. I just hope your living and not just surviving, surrounded by humans who sell other humans for there parts.

I love you Rose.








Popular posts from this blog

Letter to Savile Investigations.

-
There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...  As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously.  I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.   I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the...
Read more

Wimping out because of pain

-
Wee man not in nursery, the ibuprofen wasn't working. Feel guilty now. He's been a nightmare recently about nursery. He's happy when I pick him up but resists most of the way there. As for the essay, it might even be a fail. Not that bothered, I've the time now literature is over and the next module, is 'Minds and Bodies', Descartes, bring it on. Think I should give my self a break from the structured stuff and just read and write about whatever I want. Use here more, tackle the old notes. No forces by big square brain into round holes. Feeling better now though, might even put the washing out, or at least out of the washing machine anyway. The more I think about the more justified I feel in attempting to claim disability. With the lawyer dudes help I will have a chance, certainly didn't on that form on my own. How many depressed people are able to be truely honest about how it effects their day to day living? As with the compensation claim ...
Read more

Watered and fed the Roses

-
Image
 We couldnt leave the flat this time last year. Couldn't even make it to the bins sometimes. Think I remember a post about the total dread experienced when May turned to June. Not so this year. Was a bit worried We would feel something close to that awfulness, that triggered terror on the day of the coronation that Tesco and the met office kindly told us about but nothing like it. Jesus those late last year posts acting like we were getting out fucking telling Junior we might be going home and 'twin'? wtf.   Unfortunately, ended up in the garden the same time as the downstairs horror story and knew she was going to say something there was no way she wasn't going to mention it. She asked if We watched it I said 'Nah' pointlessly hoping that would be the end of it. She started talking about how 'wonderful' it was and we stuck up for ourself and all that is decent everywhere by saying it's 'a bit ridiculous for a modern country'. She started som...
Read more