May 28, 2016

Grandad's Girl.

It's Hendrix. We keep Nelson as a middle name. I'm my grandad's.

Very few people are cut out and supported enough to survive the compounds. He's not that kind of fighter. It's been tough. Really tough. The way it was set up so that when we wanted to see and talk to him again we would find him with industry rapists or with other girls that were being trained to pretend they were me.

There was surgery. We were told in the Glen I think, on that patch of track that went behind Logiebank that where we know a few meetings happened. We were so fucking relieved we wept. Think we said that if he was just telling us to make us feel better we would totally forgive him because we needed to here that some much. The guy didnt like that and asked when he had every lied to him. He was certain.

We agreed and said we probably already knew. That they had probably done it in front of us. Probably so because of what happened to us whenever we wondered if they had. He knew us and spoke gently trying to see if we could say more because that kind of dissociation was very dangerous and he wanted to help us not because he needed to info. We said that when we felt strong we tried to think about and would remember an operation room in the compound and Dad on the table being asked questions so they can map shit out and cut or burn the right place. He's trying not to answer but they have other girls there to and they are helping the surgeon.

Afterwards one of the higher up men is asking us what we learned from it. We had no idea what he wanted us to say. All we could think about was how much the other girls had helped. How everything they had been doing and saying and pretending had been about helping them enslave my dad. All we could say was we would never, ever trust Louise again. Then maybe started listing the names of all the other girls involved who we knew we did not have worry about any of us hearing or identifying with or trusting at all ever again regardless of consciousness. He didnt like it and had us dragged off to be raped. All we could see and hear was the surgery.

We had felt wariness towards dad from grandad before that. They had him performing in too much porn. Not realising how much worse things always are to how they look.
"Dad they have you performing sexual acts over and over.. They are getting you to states where you dont need to be aware and in control of your body its become so automatic, its in the muscles and they don't need your brain. Like us with shooting and killing. They are going to increasingly drug you up when they already have you very sleep deprived, they will manipulate your dissociative parts and one day they are going take out the actress and put in me and you wont know the difference and they will have us in a state where we cant wake you up.

That is of course is exactly what happened.

It was after the surgery though. We are pretty sure atm.

Some of us felt so guilty. That maybe if we hadnt fought so hard against the incest they wanted from us we could of protected his brain more. Grandad didnt have to say anything. He just had to look at us and we knew that was crap.

All of us knew without any doubt when it happened.

Brains can rewire. Rape from a loved one cant be undone. We knew our relationship interims of him being my Daddy was dead. I think were about seven because I remember our eighth birthday party where he played for us and there is a strong sense that it was after. We would never be close again because they space I needed from him after would be be impossible to cross years later when I wanted to because we wouldn't know each other and there would be thousands of scumbags, zombies and bots that surround us both would never allow it and christ knows what his brain and body would of become during that time.

That is old world rules. We are still waiting for the new world ones to kick in properly. Christ there is nothing as scary as hope.

On that note. We love you John Oliver.

He's fine. Not any smaller. Spends all weekends glued to a flea ridden sofa... someone should do something about that..