You would be glad I think that we are buying ourself stuff. Birthday presents. Hard to know when we are getting ourself presents and not taking essentials away from ourself in the near future. Its May the 1st and a Sunday of course we are tense and trying to distract ourself. We have bath and relaxation stuff. Bio oil for our new scar especially we ran out last month, Epsom salts because we remember it has maybe done us good in the past and oils for smelling to, lavender of course they never permanently turned us off that and rose.
No wonder we won't everything pink and heart shaped when we were small safety was camp and warriors and our name was Rose. Is Rose? They knew but we often asked them to not call us that because we would just start crying for our dad again.
We had a quick shower, we are better at taking them. For the comfort and pride at taking better care of our self and not had to pain levels through manky irritations. Can't deal with our hair. One of them they loaded it with triggers when it really didn't feel necessary. We already couldn't deal with our hair, not allowed to part my hair like my dad does and even when we try it won't to it. It makes us want to smash all mirrors because he isn't standing behind us in them anymore. Because they will never let us be.
We did some dishes, scrubbed some more of the grease of the front of the cabinets, covered the cooker in cream cleaner than came back to the duvet sore and upset about being sore and being me. It will get easier we know it will.
That tension that keeps us constantly in the midst of ripping to pieces because it hurts to much to remember and hurts to much to forget, between needing to fight but not wanting to give them anymore of my best, between living a life that is controlled by and benefits rapists or no life at all. Help them win or help them win. Concentrated capitalism. The worst types of slavery are too profitable to every be truly extinguished. It just hides and adapts like a virus.
The recent year Jacqui stuff is still unpacking. And the odd glimpse of her work in past years. How the were destroying folk, especially males. Even if we arranged in a way that meant were feeding her fiction, carefully crafted before hand or made up on the spot it was still exhausting. It that way that doesnt go away. One thing all that DID programming will do is exhaust you. You know very deeply how unsafe you are no matter what lands of hope and community values you have created for your consciousness.
We were feeling quite strong co-conscious wise, didn't feel alone in any way so was worried about the "naive" upfront little and she wasnt worried either. Jacqui had us speaking about the rings that surrounded me and my dad. We were talking about how when we were little dad's industry abusers would tell say horrible things to us to make us give up on him and just give up in general. She asked us to give an example and we talked about they said were ugly and he was really beautiful and that's why he didn't love or need us. She slipped in "You are" and we did the "oh yeah she is another horrendous abuser" internal thing we must of done a million times.
We didn't think we were ugly, didn't care if she thought we were and wandered what the hell she was trying to pull we were actually getting nearer to a place where we might of said something we didn't want to if she hadn't said that. It was all so weird.
Dads "people" didn't just say and threaten stuff they got very physical to and would threaten ours and our dads life and others. They put so much distance between us.