May 30, 2016

Oh brother..

Well the every second eight week prescription of diazepam has been filled. Picked it up around 2:30. We haven't taken eight since then and we arnt feeling that much better. There is fuck all point in trying to make the last, taking the whole "two months worth" at once would add up a whole 28mg.. The human sized rat water bottles they put in our cages if we were lucky to get any water all at probably had double that.

Sleepy and bit better though, couple of beers to. We have eaten food, wahey. Always helps, we really want to eat our feelings. Especially all the John Oliver stuff.  Coming round to him programming and threatening terrified isolated littles with all sorts in the flat. Seeing him looking down on us side by side with lots of others from lots of different rings in many different places over the decades.

.He was cloaked but we knew we was around. We could feel a plunging of our mood and parts dissociating and then remembered the kind of things and the people who dont mind carrying those things that can cause that in us. When we felt out where he was hiding we started kicking the shit out of him. A lawyer or something off his or Comedy Central's rushed forward to defend him. We were glad of the interruption. We hated the look in their eyes when they knew that no matter what they had done to us and ours we couldnt kill them.

We knelt down to be eye to eye Ollie.

"Three kids" .. then floundered, " three kids and Pablo so that's four kids.. twenty years of unpaid child support, twenty years of lost earnings, twenty years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse and trafficking.. And the jokes."

Then got up and wandered over to the dude you had been waiting for this.

The other three were waiting to. We knew we had a swab from Pabs in our pocket and handed it over to the possible lawyer prick and said if he wanted another from Pabs we would have to work something else out without Oliver being there. Wyatt, Louise, the oldest who was a premy born on a copter and was whisked away almost immediately and kept away from it all as much as they possibly could and called her Rose and me all took swabs in front of him and put names on ourselves. We looked up from doing ours and saw the three of them standing there, so calm, writing in the boxes. We were so proud of them, of us and everyone who ever helped.

Think it was about then we checked to see if he was aware of how many of Oliver's associates had moved on. We got the impression he had no idea about half who died back when we were in Dundee, or August 14 or that day itself but weren't curious enough to talk to him any further about it. We did think though about being in the cages with him. When we were very little and we were first shocked at how dangerous he could be but he hadnt clocked back then at the beginning that we could lie and lie well and think for ourself.

We starred back down at fucking name box. Furious with our fucking self. The dude told us not to worry about it he knew what we were struggling with but we weren't convinced he meant it. We couldnt write "Rose" anything on it. Think we at least managed to stick the Rosa in the middle of Julia Stuart.  There was a bit of debate about this from lawyers and police and such and we weren't comfortable rubbing out anything we had written so we said "Why don't we just take another swab and put Rose Nelson or Hendrix on it."

There was a bit a silence. We made sure we looked John Oliver in his swelling bloody face as we walked over to the other guys. It feels like our checks should be getting see through by now sometimes and we often said so. We took another two. One labelled Hendrix, one Nelson and this felt best with us all. We did so in a little huddle, not to close so that it might look like we were hiding something just close enough so that if anyone fell over someone else could probably catch. No one saying much just trying not to sweat or puke or shake too much then it was handed over, with contact details. I said "All rape" as we put the bags in Oliver's guy's hands and the guy giving his contact details agreed.  After that we shook hands and hugged and they left and I went to say goodbye to our kids. It wasn't easy. None of it.

Fuck knows if Oliver said anything else. Probably some abusive or grooming nastiness. He was supported off and I think people held us for a bit before we all parted ways.

We haven't heard anything since.