May 09, 2016


Dont remember Jacqui getting much out of us about them. Sure she hit their defences a few times because we came round looking at her feeling little, strong and bemused with the smell of outside and heather and wood smoke in our nostrils. Later after the posts that we got help with to reach out to our troops she could get us to talk about the little bits that came to mind but it raised our self esteem too much to want to continue talking to her about everything that was triggered when she asked us to explore it. It was the best. And we told her that.

Did it start in one of bio mum's institutes for human torture and experimentation? We were in a cage and saw the soldiers brought in and saw some of what was done to them. One of them was able to get up and stager about a bit one time and he came over and knelt down by our cage and looked at us. Its still so vivid, the room full of chrome, equipment, gurneys, cages and restraints and then him. None of us can disagree with the thing about recognising in him more than the guy from the picture who the other guys had said would be there when they attacked the place and would hopefully help me escape

 The Americans who knew what mother was had been watching and talking to us from the beginning and we already knew which side we were on and it wasn't our mothers she had never shown anything maternal towards us that wasn't for show anyway. There was an escape corridor and the locks had been changed so it only opened for us. The guys who showed us how to work it did so in total silence so none of the mikes would pick them up. The soldiers weren't sure about trusting us when whatever it was that got me out my cage and caused the security to be busy. They thought I had led them to a dead end but we kept pointing until he let me down and I showed them the hidden door in the snack room.

It was my hand on little screen that opened it. It hadn't been put there for us and without anyone else there we had to pull up a chair to access it. Once we where through we should them how to shut the inner door. No one was getting through that. Thats what the good guys had said. There was toddler bikes in the concrete corridor where me and another kid used to play. Further down there was rooms with supplies and water and beds and everything. The had to move one of the two cots though because we kept getting upset whenever we saw it. Some of the guys were very relieved. One was really worried it was a trap we learned later he is always thinking everything good is a trap and sometimes he is right. We weren't in there long before we got a can of soup out the cupboard and gave it to you Mum for opening and heating. We knew we would be safe there for a little while at least. The folk had said so and it felt ok.

Weather today get to anyone else? Your maybe getting a bit old for a that outside, moving all the time lifestyle. We remember times not being able to come with you because we couldnt walk, was in too much pain to travel and how much we all hated it. How much we all still do. The keeping someone in pain and injured to make them easier to keep in pain and injured thing. Cunts. We tried to say we didnt care. But we kept thinking of you out there in the woods and hills and the air and the everything and us stuck in a room. It doesn't matter much what sort of room it is. Its not out there. And its not fair.

The tent/under tree/motel room schooling.

When we thought it wasnt fair on you squadies to manage girl hair and we hated feeling like a timid girl anyway so it was all shaved off. I know we have written about that before. We were running faster and laughing louder, joking more, crying easier, expressing ourself more often and louder.. Someone even said something about wishing our hair would hurry up and grow back. We felt so much more confident and after we got used to ourself a bit more we couldn't wait to go into town on the next supply run and see what crap they would give me for it. We were so disappointed, gutted even when they didnt do anything except stare or say hi. One girl even said it looked really good and she looked like she meant it. Think we heard her start hassling her parent to shave all her hair off to as she was pulled away.

We got it on the drive back. It was because we were so confident wasnt it that no one had tried to bully us Mum no.x agreed he had been waiting for it to click.

Conversation by a camp fire "Hey dont call us squadies we were elite forces before your Mum got a hold of us."
"Sure she didnt make you elite forces to begin with?"
"Well not any more no." There was noises of agreement.
We knew we were starting to feel too much like us. So we put ourself back in our feat on the grass, standing between the fire and him. Then went up to him. We knew everything was very serious, all the time. She had shown us a lot. Then we went up to him, not eye hight with him he was a tall dude and the log he was sitting on was quite big .. and said, "I'm not sure about elite forces but we could be friends". He smiled and said "Deal." and we believed he meant it but not that he would manage to keep it.  Think mum called me to the tent then for bed.

We mind about pink bits or even entirely pink jammies when our head was shaved, it was so much easier to just be.

The first time we felt unsure about it was when out Dad saw it for the first time. We had gotten so used to it by then we had forgotten to warn him about it and he was quite shocked and was wary about recognising us which really hurt. He came round after a while of seeing how happy and unselfconscious we were by singing to him, talking to us and our mums about it and having a 'are you trans' conversation with us. Which is still making us laugh and shake our head as it did then. Think we ended up suggesting he paint our nails after mum said we should try calm his fears about because he was feeling like he didnt know us. After they had dried and we hung out for awhile we asked if it was okay for us to go and get muddy now. He didnt want to come to.

When we came back all soggy and muddy to dried us and warmed up he had obviously been talking to mum more and was more relaxed about it and finally got it because he said something like"Well if it helps you feel like a kid then I hope you keep it shaved forever". We could see in his eyes that he half meant it and the other half really wanted us to feel young and carefree and happy but still hated it.. Our mum said that was more about us growing older and how you can never go back and we got that eventually and certainly do now. It's coz he loved the feel of our hair to our daughters are the same and couldnt believe we could just wash and dry and it looks like that. We told that if it helps we get dirty looks from white girls for it to..

The talking, the games (Guess who? makes us cry as did the first sound of an oyster catcher close by this year today..) the education, the training, the care, the singing, the walking, the ops, the hugs, the travelling it was all so good. So perfect. So different to what Pabs has and no doubt we will feel that is very wrong on some level we cant do much about. Sure we remember the cold, the wetness, the having a fever in a tent while the rain batters outside, the having to pack up and move with a cold while the rain battered on us, the hunger but we were loved and free. It doesn't get any better. Your completely right about that. So. Fucking. Right.

There is of course a small room here with a bed in it no one is sleeping in it is of course available to proper mums who should probably bring shears..

We know of course we do that we are hardly safe now that bio mother is out the picture but to be able talk to people without knowing she and her systems were always listening and always watching and always analysing and always planning horror for us always had very specific ideas about who I thought I was. Knowing I dont have to try and stop what we she was doing. Knowing she isnt going to be telling and showing me everything she is doing any more.. that would of took a long time to sink in even without tonnes of other trauma since then. How the fuck could be defend ourself from local scum when that piece of information was filtering down? We switched from catatonic exhaustion and giggling fits and couldnt defend ourself from anything..

Of course without bio it was possible to tell American intel people I hadnt murdered my children after all and ta da their fabulous but could you please help keep them all alive and to get the ones that needed extracted from grannies sex slavery scene safe and after that possibly help extract me to..

It was now possible to speak to people to think without her punishment and control. Of course everything she had set up will continue to run but she wasn't clever as she thought she was and wont be setting up anything else for anyone and that is quite a something.. We didnt put up too much resistance to going back to being mostly amnesiac and wondering is Margo was our real mum again we knew we would be back eventually without the women whose name we would most likely still feel shocks if we were to hear it and would find it much easier to get from someone else than find out for ourselves.

Didnt make it any easier to be around Margo knowing she was saying I was her daughter who she brought up when I'm not and she didn't. It made the Jacqui sessions a hell of a lot easier though. What could she bring that was as bad or worse than the bio?