May 24, 2016

Is Beyonce your Gabriel Daddy?

He nodded and wept. Gabe was years and years away. I was not long verbal.

See you face in the mirror a tiny bit again. Easier now its had the sun on it. Not as much as we see Lynne, Laura, Bill though and hear the name Louise so loud when we look at us. Sometimes are worse than others. Don't think we have managed to look at ourself and think "Rose" much but we will..
Remember how much they were determined to keep us out the sun. How much we hated total block?  They were either keeping us out the sun and coating us in that shit or painting us dark and telling us not to smug it or scratch the wig too much. Non of it made any sense. We thought it was about being outside and how that made us feel better and didn't get the need for the block. Pretty much everyone non white skinned and human said was more to it than keeping us out the sun because we liked it. Some of us were slow for it to click

We are struggling to give much of a physical description for mother. White Fair, fair, slim. Russian and Jewish heritage? We figured by the state she was in that if she had ever known any other life it wasnt for long and was either created or chosen because of coming from a mixed race and "culturally conflicted" background . We were talked to later from people from outside saying that she was not conceived in love or lust. She was pure bred pogrom.

Some tried to say she was a fighter like us once and they turned her into a torture machine through all the punishment but the material they showed us and the story they were giving wasn't convincing. We had too much experience and training ourself by whatever point it was to not have questions and the answers weren't convincing. We asked if this was to make me believe she was "real family" and said it didnt matter to us anyway its not like we saw leaving the compound and growing up part of a family was something that might happen or something we wanted with Mother.

We wondered if this was a tale of warning, what I will become if you stay on the path your on but if she was a fighter and thats what they turned her into then that was more reasons to resist not less. We thought it was more likely that she had been like this since she was a little girl, like many of the other kids there that tortured on demand and got creative about it. If this was about stopping us from thinking about our biological mother then like a lot of stuff that goes on it has the opposite effect so much we wondered if they meant it or had at least been misinformed.

We remember there was an old white dude there as much as she was in the early years and we think that with the help of the double agents and their training and permission from others that were rarely there he may of been one of our earliest kills. Mabye the first but because of the DID and the being around so much death and murder we didnt realise.

Think it was after that she noticed us more and the one to one stuff and the "I am your mother *** "(whatever name of the part she was trying to control/create) really started we were just another amongst many before then. Without him another guy began working with Mother lots more. We listened and watched their power struggles and discussions. Looked away from their attacks on each other from the cages in the rooms they worked in. They wanted to keep a close eye on us. We caused trouble in the pens with the others. We couldn't hear what they were saying then and it was better to be alone as much as possible sometimes.

He was to race as she was to gender. Their conversations and plans made us physically sick sometimes and we would be terrifiied that they would figure out that we were not only listening we were understanding before we realised they had no clue and it was years before they did. He had a big broad build, bald head and dark skinned American black with one of those necks with some many wrinkles and folds we imagined you could pull his head and it would all flatten out and his neck would be as tall as a giraffes.

 It scared some of us more because we felt that our white skin meant there was nothing we could do about everything we were overhearing and seeing, that we were excluded from even talking about it but our dad and grandad and others said that was the programming and helped us remember him forcing it on us and the sense of inferiority and powerlessness and distance from my dad and grandad caused by nothing but skin tonne would peel of like a sticker.

One thing the male abusers always had over the women in terms of terrfying and hurting people is of course the male reproductive function. Mother would never be able to impregnant us all by her self but everyone male of all rank and role could and all the boys they were training could use it as a threat and promise they would when they and girls were older. We lost some of that fear when we saw how much turkey basters and syringes were used and how easy it is for just about anyone to get a hold of some male genetic material.

He would talk to us about working with him against mother. It was part of the system he had with victims, he had plans and ambitions beyond mothers with networks that would never accept her.He had a much better understanding and appreciation for organised crime and listen as executed is plans over the phone knowing the misery he was causing knowing was awful. We hated knowing how much misery and hunger they were causing to people outside as well as outside. He was younger than her and i could see his ego and assumptions about what could and couldn't be irritated her. She knew he was always trying to plot against her but didnt care. "It's what people do.."

He was confident he would live longer than her and he was right about that. but we cant remember buying into any of attempts to get us to talk to him about what we really knew and involve him in any plans.  He really believed the world was his and that all the programming and abusers and handlers and enemies he had couldn't stop him. Mother would say she knew she was a slave to sometimes and she seemed to have accepted and embraced that fact just as she was supposed to. He was pure bred pogrom to but because he was supposed to be an aggressive intimidating black man and not a white military class women he had different programming.

Beyonce was his favourite and pet like Morag was mother's. Expect where Mother got violent and pushed and kicked and sometimes got dildos and tools out for Morag he mostly opened his trousers and got his dick out for her to suck, telling her how rich and powerful they were going to be together, what she was going to do for him. How she would be his her whole life. Their lives are their abusers and they cant see anything else as possible.

He was in charge a lot when people were trafficked out in larger groups. When we were all stuck in lighter wire cages that were stacked on top of each other then put in big shipping containers and off we all went to Jersey sometimes and other places. Whether we had water bottles in the cages, or paper or straw or something for the corners totally depended on how long we were going to be in there for and who was involved in setting up the practicalities. You could see grey corpses pulled out at the other end sometimes. On longer trips. When the heat or the cold and the dark went on for so long you could smell it when someone was gone and would pray it was one person over another. Making eye contact at the other end with friends and family in the docks was always momentous.

When we watched Mother and the baldy bastard together we saw signs of where they came from, what made them, who and what taught them their skills and started saying things and asking questions that when repeated by the double agents meant we got to speak to some new people which is always exciting. But was pretty disappointing. The guy kept talking about how serious it all was and how he had "ethical concerns" or some shit about working with a minor.. I think we remembered how some of how our friends talked when they wanted to wake us up and stop us repeating something other say or waffling which startled him and left an opening for one of his people to show some files and try and open the guys eyes to exactly how "serious" it really was.

Waiting for word back made time even slower in the compound,  and made us awaker and much older. We left the compound with the agents at night. We tried to not show how excited we were and not look at the girl that was being left to replace us but we did anyway and when both almost said "Hi!" really loudly, think she did say it audibly which panicked the head dude a lot but maybe made one of the others giggle. And moments later we were out.

There was a lot talking, planning, decent food. I think we wept at the bed. Clothes, travel, surrounded by dudes who seemed very serious about the mission so we felt we would be safe from them until at least until after the mission or maybe just in general. More talking, some begging. Child sized recon armer.. including boots.. "Oh thats what you were measuring us for.".. "You like it?" .. "I love it." We thought about some of the crews we had hid and work with and how different the approaches and equipment and couldnt wait to tell them. No matter how long in the future that would be

. We were smiling a lot and explained that was why. The answer troubled them but they felt better when I explained I knew I was unlikely to see them soon and understood why we couldnt say even if we did. We cried a bit and I think he comforted us a bit. Said some genuine and noncreepy stuff about how special we are and how much he didnt want us to suffer or die and he believed the crews loved us.

All to quickly it was over. We can remember very little except being sarcastic to one of the men when he tried to say something nice that made the guy start in his mask and armour and we felt very self conscious   embarrassed and was so relieved when another one came in and asked if we were ready and could leave the room. The place was very rich, stunning. The feel of the carpet under the quiet comfy boots was the softest thing we had ever experienced. He was ok we could look around and I think couldnt resit giving us a test by saying something along the lines of "all this could be yours all day". We said we didnt think we wanted it and he grinned at us in a way that meant we instantly knew what he asking and it wasnt do as I say and I will look after you.

We would rather not be raped and not have to watch other people being raped than steal for fascists who are starving everyone whilst having access to some cash if and when they say so as long as we do as we are told. We will take the work and the killing over a life on our knees in a pretty dress and plush house whilst taking instructions from child rapists. Any. Fucking. Day.

The in charge guy was so pale as he sat and stared at us after in his office in the base afterwards. Once he got himself together and went over the mission that had just happened and was reruning in our head anyway. He said he would rather we didn't go back and we would see him again. We believed him and were right to.

They were not very happy when we freed them from further abuse from that source. Her more than him. His closer connection to multi million dollar growing industries and his penis meant he felt everything was to his advantage sooner or later. But we saw signs he was rattled especially in what he started having done to us and how much.

There was always a lot of rape by him or someone else on his orders then he would start saying shit, thats how those scenes work. He'd asked about how we felt about him as he had raped us, ask how we felt about whoever he had order to do it, asking how we felt about him as a black man. Eventually he got what he was after and we said we hated him and started forcing an immediate link in us between expressing or even feeling how much we hated him and being raped again. Indeed DJ and RA survivors. That will sound familiar.

Sky was azure I think is the word yesteday sometimes and Saltire blue. Some small clouds that we always feel guilty when we cant name. It is course always good to be looking at the sky not through a crack in the roof of a stinking toiletless hole in the ground but I wish you were here to look at it with us to.

It will be done wont it dad?
..
Eazy.. ;-) xxx


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