May 12, 2016

Your my mission.

Thankfully the anxiety before hand was probably the worst part rather than the appointment itself and the aftermath. She agreed there was trauma and understood what we were saying about the Delusional Disorder diagnosis. We cant complain that she didnt read our notes or she was horribly prejudiced by them because she didn't have any the G.P hadnt given her any. She had a lovely clean folder we presume she had made up for her self with some pristine cover sheets and nothing else. Didnt realise until the end of the session and we couldnt help but chuckle when she showed us but she didnt seem to amused. We were in there for almost a full hour to which is extremely rare for an NHS appointment. We didnt walk away fantasying about fatal drug overdoses or violently murdering her either which is likewise rare. Knowing we were going to get child, get pear cider, roll spliff and sit in the sun in our backy helped of course to.

Neighbours kid was down after school again. It's good for Pabs to have the company but he is never enthusiastic and doesnt hide it and I'm not prepared to veto him every time when the thought of another chatty kid about but one who is both spectrum in his own world chatty like our man but with the added challenge of not very clear speech makes us weep. It upsets the kid when we have to tell him "No" but we are in no where near satisfied or confident with the care we give Pabs why would we want to add someone else's kid to the mix? Think its bonkers his mum volunteering and saying she can do the hours when she doesn't have child care sorted even if it is close by, presuming its all right with us, with the state we are in when she doesn't look after our dude and we wouldn't expect her to either she has too much on her plate. Bonkers.

Miss not having Margo to bitch about it to. One thing she could always be relied upon for was to allow someone to address the surface of a problem without going into any deeper or darker layers. Dont like to think of her and Laura together or how they hindered each other more than helped each other or how vulnerable they all were. We had to find out how bad things were exactly. We cant remember what we saw but we can remember how our stomach felt and after a bit we remember not caring that the door was open and we were just sitting there with our head in our hands trying to breathe when someone was watching.

We told we knew that buy the way he was standing watching us he was probably completely innocent but how the fuck can you stand by with shit like that happening and keep taking the money when its your job to take it. We told him we weren't going to touch him we just wanted him to sit and watch what we had just watched and told him where and when it was from.  He seemed quite happy to sit and watch while we went to another part of the room and crouched on the floor next to a waste paper bin knowing that even though we weren't going to watch it again there was no way we would be able to keep out stomach contents. He joined us there and we were startled by the ferocity that he lost his dinner to. He wasnt a small dude we were very close to having his puke in our hair which we really wouldn't of liked but we did feel like he had convinced us of his feelings.

Think once he got himself together and asked us some questions he fetched some colleagues while we sat on the floor close to the bucket wandering in and out of dissociative states and parts, someone was trying to figure out if we knew what was going to happen next, someone else trying not to panic because they had no idea where they were or how they got there, someone wondering if the dude was going to rescue us, someone else thinking the oh their going to rescue me part was a fucking fool.. Dont remember much else, playing it pretty cool trying to read people as they were in front of us and not listening to our fears to much. One guy seemed like an absolute tool but we werent sure if he was maybe making sense but mothers programming had us feeling all sort of old shit. At times it was a bit like the psychiatrist appointment today in that their seemed to be not well informed and a bit stumbling but genuine attempts to see and hear us.

What we do remember in more detail than anyone would ever choose to is the puke bucket. It was used again by others and possibly us until eventually we said that it had to dealt with. There was a moment of silence before someone volunteered but we said we would rather be doing it ourself and knowing for sure that if had been flushed then wouldnt have any fears about anyone doing anything gross with it as we were in a police building and we knew people who did really gross things sometimes worked in police buildings and talking to them in the ways we were wasnt exactly something they would approve of us doing. Think it was the original guy who helped us flush it, the most of it anyway the smell of course set us both of again and we were attempting to work together someone holding the bucket while someone else used paper towels to encourage it out whilst retching and laughing and loosing our own fresh bile..

Think he might of put a arm around us as we left the bathroom having done the best we could with the bucket and our selves when he asked if we would write about this one day. We laughed and said alright and thought no way was he was the same guy someone was daydreaming was going to rescue us, cant be same guy, was it? whatever.. We were smiling inside to though because he really seemed in that moment in his soggy stinky shirt to be thinking about us writing about him and smiling and because it was all ridiculous so you might as well when you can and he seemed to understand that to without being utterly lost in hopeless cynical nihilism.

We maybe have already written it but we could be thinking about telling Jacqui watching her every move  whilst trying to appear like we weren't. We knew she would push us at least a little, trying to be subtle to remember and give specifics about the tapes, where we were, what we were supposed to be doing there and who talked to but that didnt bother us, our DID makes that impossible (thats what its for Jacqui or people who be easily able to trigger and programme us all the time and we wouldn't be able to do all the work against it we do because we would give away the names of the people we work with too easily). We may of overplayed it a bit with the pretending to try and remember, saying something like we were genuinely trying to work it out then saying we weren't sure, acting like we were confident about some aspect of it then contradicting ourself and apologising all while not being distressed or triggered and watching her squirm.  

Oh Daddy we are low on money and weed, good weed to the worst kind to run out of and wont get any until the 17th.. Told Pabs that was our birthday today and played with writing our name. :-)

Mummy we hope you are out there in the hills getting sunny days in May. We have little panics about you being dead sometimes its part of the life I know its always happened when we are not together and it doesn't mean you are. And if you are thats horrible but you would never forgive us if it killed us. Any doubts any of us had seemed to vanish when we saw your reaction when we told you about mother. Not that we what that means much from here, just that we felt so safe with you, that you never did us any harm and never would. We are your mission.

God is awful when people phoned sounding all serious expecting someone who mother could control more to be where we were and told us our mum was dead. Really awful. Thankfully the "male or female" thing cleared it up quickly. Yeah we remember a hazy funeral now but dont think ready to believe it if it is true. Theres is no way they would let you stay where you were and we cant see you being stupid enough to think that you could or us not finding the means to move you. We remember Jacqui trying to appear compassionate when she told us you were dead. We were having none of it and said it was faked and it was a nightmare all the fake deaths, they were a nightmare for our mental health but not as bad as loved ones actually dying. Think she might of got really nasty and threatened us with stuff we didnt hear but knew she would do.

What could we do it was like we said if it was true all of us who were in denial about it would have to stay that way because it was no where near safe to fall apart. There was too high a chance of it killing us so no way could we do it. There was a phonecall where a frustrated sounding bloke said your DNA wasnt in the coffin but we could of got some one to phone and say that to us easy enough..

It was pretty ruff seeing Jacqui all that time when mother was no longer even though there were lots of times when she had to be nice to us and we didnt fear she could really add to the programming without mother. We couldnt get away from that sense that we couldnt stop seeing her but we didnt and dont know why and it wasnt just because thats what mother had planned for us.

Try not to worry you both would say. Trust us.

love you