May 10, 2016

Good ole US of A

I dont think we will write much tonight. Just to say hello and yes it was a lovely day again, the garden is looking so cute and will be fabulous and nothing has happened to force us back any squares.

 Everything that happened anywhere else, all the "programming" and trafficking it was all about triggering and reinforcing her work in her horrific labs/bases, punishment or part of her eugenics programs.

We always understood that she and her people had slaughtered a lot to get me. They rest were the wrong colour, wrong sex, didnt test high enough, something. We think we can remember the terror in the way the surrogate said 'No' and tried to get up when she saw what we were because she knew they had what they wanted and would kill her now but maybe we are getting it mixed up with stuff mother and others did to other women.

They suggested and manipulated us into seeing our dead brothers and sisters in those around us, so were terrified and ashamed to have be allowed to live. We couldn't help feeling they must be right a bit when they said our dad hated us although not hate but just that a bit of you must resent us a little after everything that had happened and was happening. You swore it wasnt true, it wasnt our fault and we never saw any sign that you were not telling the truth.

It was always so hard to get any time away from her and her algorithms and her rings we would have to work so hard and run so fast and still sometimes only get seconds. We knew we didnt always remember about her and the labs and that we were at our most vulnerable during those times also that she was very determined we did not remember about her or the labs when we were being contracted out.

We dont remember any "hang on a minute" moment. We dont remember an event when we realised she was no mummy or that the situation we were in wasn't normal. We always knew. Maybe the things tried by some to help defend fetuses against what was done inutero worked. Maybe someone stopped some of the procedures that were scheduled to happen, maybe its because did not know or understand enough to begin with. We think it was a bit of everything but whatever caused it we were born more awake than she could realise and learned quicker than she realised to.

"Where are you getting this from" she would scream when we said something that wasnt how she wanted us to be. It was from one her most trusted people. She got it out of us eventually and he wasnt around any more and when he came back he was very different, hia eyes never sparkled any more and he didnt seem to recognise us and no longer pretended or faked lots of her orders. We had told him that would happen but he had kept doing it anyway.

Hiding what we knew and what we could do was a constant crippling tension that just compounded all the horror. Once they started using Skene and the Johnstons to keep us but were still taking us back for whatever we got better and saying and thinking nothing in contrast to the little that always answered back to her.

She was utterly insane the whole time we were around. Completely dedicated to industrialised sadism and total control. We saw someone weeping sometimes about what she had become but he was so mad with it all to we werent sure if the stuff he rambled on about how she wasnt always like this had any truth in them at all. She didnt feed us much and if it was it was junk and she hurried us on the whole time we tried to eat. I think when we were smaller we had learned that her with a spoon of baby food acting patient and loving meant we were very ill soon after and started rejecting everything she offered that she hadn't just opened in front of me. Other people fed us and fed us better when they could.

We do remember her carrying us in her arms, in rooms and going down corridors she is often angry and shouting or being very cold at us and is often about to put us in the cage or something worse. Never very homily rooms, clinical, medical. Someone is saying know that like the motherly feeding we started freaking out whenever she took us rooms that looked like homes because they were hotel rooms where I was going to be raped by lots of men or sets for porn.

We remember she trained us and forced us to assist in the programming of other kids and adults and we know we got good at finding good spots to run and hide to in the building occasionally out into the compound but there was no where to go from there it was barren. Sometimes we just asked to be let back in again.

"She'll find you" or "you'll be worse trouble" people would say if they saw us but usually didnt give us away. There was one women really didnt seem to understand why we ran away and hated our mother so much and we didnt understand how she couldnt know until we saw what was being done to her. How we managed to cry at all and still cry so much after years of it is bizarre.

She always said we would come back to her even though she never had us and we always knew she was never going to let us get on with building a life she always said that was ridiculous. We hated her and her madness and the people who invested and protected it so much. Blimey it was quite a tense time making the final calls that set it up, hoping we have been convincing enough during torture, praying no one would betray us and waiting for the call to confirm it was done.

And of course there was the needing some people to know and needing to tell them ourself while preferring others didn't know just yet. We so needed to tell our mum in person and was so relieved when we could collapse with him as he wept like we have never heard him weep before in our arms on the floor of his quarters. To see the look in our dad's and his people's eyes as we convinced them to will always be cherished as it is to know that she was longer watching and controlling the lives of everyone we love. We know there will probably always be people loyal to pure hate and greed but she is no longer a factor in our own or our kids lives or anyone else..

Wow.

Still.

Jacqui threatened punishment over of course to but we just didn't care. Thugs who thought I believed they were going to pay me once it was done were laughed at. The crying over all those years of abuse, oppression, manipulation and loss began and the parts triggered to take us down if she died before us were triggered and things got very bad. And of course as far as the British establishment is concerned there is no connection between me and her and certainly no labs in barren land, we are their slave because thats what she told them to always say to us and these are Brits, the worst kinds of Brits that deeply and unquestionably believe in a born given right to own and control people.

And now we have to wait and see whatever we decided to do if anything, when left alone with mother and her victim's systems when we were healed and strong and loved and knew who we were and knew no one would be get any where near it after. Think we might of sacrificed an almost adult personality that day, or at least had to hide it very deeply afterwards and that was rough on the kids.

We're sorry.
And love you.
And hope we didnt fuck it up.

And I know what some are thinking -  there is no way we were ever healed and strong enough but you dont know that. Plenty others out there of course hoping that whatever we did we did angry and in great pain, full of terror and hate.