May 30, 2016

No. I'll never stop crying.

We did very well to put it of this long. It's a bastard attachment issue. A zero to three bastard attachment issue. We were dissociated bad. Brand new part bad. New toddler that couldnt remember anything about Grandad or anything. She knew pain and horrific adults then she was put in a cage with an older boy who we came to know as Ollie. He was so nice to us sometimes and not at all other times. He mostly did what he was told and we already knew that they told kids to pretend to stand up to them to try and get us to trust them. Sometimes he wouldnt let us sleep and would tell us we had to stay awake. One of the other girls said he was bad and we said he wasnt but we also didn't think any us in there were "good" but didnt have the words for that yet.

He was given the task of keeping us as this new slightly younger than I actually was part from remembering about before. They especially didnt want me remembering my granddad. It broke our heart when we had gotten a bit stronger and had remembered enough from seeing and talking to Grandad and were watching Ollie enough to know he was helping them keep us from Grandad. We started hiding it from him. It was tiring having to be different people according to who was in the room, who could see, who could here.

We stopped sharing so much with him and he withdraw and we were put in different cages more. We were always scared of that bond and the trust we had in him when we had just been split and were just starting to talk. Scared that he would help them bring her out. She loved and trusted him so much and the rest of us knew that even if he wanted to keep us safe he couldnt. Some of us season a real acceptance in him sometimes especially as he got older that we were to be used up by the staff and other survivors for everything they could get and then they would go off and lead lives and we would die. We knew that was definitely how the abusers felt and wasnt sure how much he had internalised it himself. We were too scared to look to closely to find out for sure. There is a real sense that we did when once when we caged at night together and we didnt like what we saw so badly we can remember how it felt vividly and can still hear ourself crying.

We were to scared to check again especially as it was after that he stopped letting us sleep more. It made us feel so ill.

Christ what a state we woke up in when he stayed over in Fintry. He eventually persuaded us to let him near us and persuade us back to bed and held us while the switching and the flashbacks eased. There was a real sense that he was sorry for everything he did to us when we where little and locked up together but we are too much still locked up to believe its real. We need people to not disappear on us again or us to be in a position to not have to disappear again before it would be possible to believe in someone that much.

We were so glad however at how it worked out when Jacqui had us talking about this when we really didnt want to especially to her and we showed a zen like level of acceptance of it all. Knowing the obvious traps always helps though, like we talked about us being seen as something other victims use up we paused to allow her to say "well you are".

It was one of the times when either we or someone else had recently chased the pornbots out of the flat when the phone rang. We were too injured but we were very angry and we knew who over or whatever was calling the landline probably wouldnt be doing so if they knew they had gone. John Oliver. We said we werent here. We heard them on the phone talking about us a lot so we copied that. I don't know how long this went on for until it got to much and we asked him who he thought he was talking to, "Rebecca". We told him we had lied at the start of the conversation. He did a whole "you don't understand" thing and I think we hung up on him and started getting way to dangerously dissociated to handle what ever the women abuse ring police and friends when they turned up.

He was phoning a lot and we were talking. We were in a mess, the "give us Pablo" siege that went on for so long and was so horrible we forgot who Pablo was. Which came in handy as you can image. You cant tell a child murderer where your kid is if you dont remember you even have a kid. He said he wanted to help us and was so good to talk to but we knew we couldnt trust ourself or anyone else with everything that was ongoing.

"Will you take a call from Jon Stewart at Comedy Central" We used the fact we were obsessing over Ollie to not here they "Stewart" part and talking without giving him much time to interrupt they way we had been Oliver before he said enough that we couldn't stop the littles from not noticing. We did feel more us like after but we knew there was fuck all point trying to do much with our consciousness anyway except try and reduce the damage moment by moment and leave all the important decisions the parts of us that knew what the fuck was going on.

Their is a possible paternal issue with Pabs and Mr Oliver which with can only be a possible when you dont have the paper work and you and everyone else bullshits you about who you are and how your kids come about. He often said he is Pabs dad and used it when he came over with someone who wasnt who they said they were and demanded to know where Pablo was. Not that any of it wasn't serious enough. We had some of our own security back and we were trying not to vomit both in fear and relief knowing the landline would ring and it did and a voice asked for the guy to give his name and rank which he wasnt happy about. We were starting to remember who the fuck we were which triggered an expression we had been persuaded to  repeat versions of over and over whilst being made to feel better and better.

 "I'm sorry Sir but whatever rank in whatever American authority you have I have the authority to out rank it."

There was some handing around of the phone and talk about my name and stuff that pissed us off because we still couldnt hear it then they left without Pablo's location that I didnt know any way. We wept on the phone with the FBI guy for a while once they had left they scene. Talked about the state we were and how hard we were fighting and all the recent rapes. He cried to and reminded me utterly of why we talk to these people by calming us down and making us feel better without harmful bullshit. We both knew Pabs was probably going to end back in the flat because of the amount of horror and money that was being pumped into making it so.

The seeing Oliver in Pabs programming is hitting us pretty fucking hard at the moment though.

When things got that he was forced back to Fintry and we were both raped and abused in a bunch of ways he said to us he was glad Pablo was back with us and we remember how cold our body went. Frozen.