May 20, 2016

You count them mate, everyone else gave up on that a long time ago.

Got some beer this evening. Parenting feels at about the level it was this time last year. Maybe not quite that not well but of course we are struggling. There wasnt that many more horrendous trips to Dundee after May last year. A few. Jacqui asking us how we made it go dark, what the loud bangs were and who we talked to in between pretending to be a caring therapist and standard practice triggering.

She couldnt of lived and loved they way she did knowing this is it. Forever, with our worse fears for each other coming true and staying true year after year after year.. No one talking to either of us. The rapists getting what they what from us and us knowing who they were and how to stop them is people would just talk to us. I told her she could go in August 14. She needed it much, much before but we couldnt give it to her, we werent ready to give up yet but we couldnt see how we could hope without her. We would promise her if it didnt get any better we would. We saw though. Even when we were tiny little she was fighting from a place with nothing to loose. She had seen too much good things in her self and others destroyed. Her hope was death. she couldnt believe there was any other way out and we couldn't convince her otherwise. It didnt make us feel free thinking she or us would die as slaves in our thirties. It had the exact opposite effect on us.

 There's the kids. Like she said. Seeing all of both our work and sacrifice and hope would go to nothing anything and she would be taken away by porn industry and the music industry would keep us with the Johnston's and the rest of the media scum and the police would secure it again..

And everything would be too little too late, again. And our kids would be pulled of us both, again. We would be bullshited to by people who obviously had safer and nicer lives than ourselves, again.

There was no way we could beg her to stay. Again.

She was so happy. Like she was when we were kids.